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Have you ever played one of those games of “If you were a … what … would you be?”
If you haven’t, you probably don’t know the pleasure of reimagining your best friend as a tomato (acidic, but firm) or your college professor as a brontosaurus (that explains the turtleneck, at least).
You’re probably more confused now than you were a paragraph ago, so let’s get to the reason why you started reading this in the first place.
Led by a two-decade long obsession with one sitcom in particular, and the resurgence of said sitcom on Netflix in Europe, here’s the ultimate question I ended up asking myself in a moment of mind-wandering, and the fun exercise in imagining the absurd that followed.
What kind of houseplants would the characters in Friends be?
Could this game BE more fun?! (Don’t answer that!)
1. Phoebe Buffay
What kind of plant would Phoebe be?
An air plant (like this gorgeous Tillandsia xerographica)
Just in case you’re a Friends virgin
Phoebe is a free spirit, often ditsy, sometimes airy, and with an evil twin sister named Ursula. I thought long and hard about what houseplant has an evil twin, but in the end I decided to peg Phoebe as an air plant. It’s a low maintenance plant that’s generally friendly and can handle a little bit of neglect.
Runner up
Phoebe once changed her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock, so the banana plant was a close runner up. But banana plants are too particular and precise for the free-spirited Pheebs. I also thought catnip (Nepeta cataria) would be appropriate to represent Phoebe’s hit single Smelly Cat.
2. Rachel Green
What kind of plant would Rachel be?
A bird of paradise (Strelitzia reginae).
Just in case you’re a Friends virgin
Rachel is spoiled, high-maintenance and loves being the center of attention. So after careful consideration, I chose the bird of paradise as her soul-houseplant. It’s a plant that requires a lot of attention when kept indoors, and a lot of sunlight. It’s majestic when it blossoms, but God forbid you don’t create the right conditions for this plant to show off.
Runner up
None! I couldn’t find a plant that closely resembles the word “seriously” uttered every five minutes or one that could don “The Rachel” haircut better than Jennifer Aniston.
3. Monica Geller
What kind of plant would Monica be?
A jade plant (Crassula ovata)
Just in case you’re a Friends virgin
Neat, clean-freak, considerate, low-maintenance, but quite competitive. That’s definitely the sign of a good old-fashioned jade plant. This type of succulent would look equally polished in your grandma’s family room and in that Instagram photo with about a million hashtags. That’s because jade plants are classy and timeless.
Runner up
I wanted to pick a competitive plant here, maybe something like an ever-expanding pothos. Then I remembered the time Phoebe gave Monica a haircut that made her look like Dudley Moore (instead of the Demi Moore style she had asked for), so I thought that a coleus would do. In the end, I decided to go with the jade plant, because how many people know what a coleus looks like? Seriously!
4. Ross Geller
What kind of plant would Ross be?
Just in case you’re a Friends virgin
Gangly, spiky hair, a little bit neurotic, definitely insecure, but always driven by good intentions. That’s Ross, in a nutshell. Truth be told, I don’t know how neurotic dracaenas are, but they certainly look insecure when they get all droopy if you forget to water them.
Runner up
Cactus, all the way, based on the good intentions obliterated by the clumsy execution. But he’s a good guy, not prickly. Would a prickly guy miss his Discovery Channel appearance to take care of an ex-girlfriend with a fractured rib? Would a prickly guy buy a friend’s first bike and teach her how to ride it? Would a prickly guy walk his lesbian ex-wife down the aisle? I think that proves my point!
5. Chandler Bing
What kind of plant would Chandler be?
A snake plant (Sansevieria)
Just in case you’re a Friends virgin
Chandler is a sensitive and caring guy. He’s gifted with a sharp sense of humor peppered with a good dose of sarcasm. He often believes that he’s going to die alone, but redeems himself after entering a functional adult relationship with a jade plant. Uhh, I mean … with Monica. He’d be the unassuming snake plant of the group because he’s … well … unassuming, but nice and functional and can totally deliver excellent knock-knock jokes to a door.
Runner up
Whichever plant would take care of a chick and a duck or steal their neighbor’s cheesecake. No match here.
6. Joey Tribbiani
What kind of plant would Joey be?
In case you’re a Friends virgin
Joey’s biggest passion is food. (Maybe his second biggest passion. Actually, even he can’t decide about that.) Pretty on the outside, but not too bright on the inside, Joey’s a big-hearted guy. He likes sandwiches, and pizza, and jam, and pizza. He doesn’t have a good grasp of how pants are made, but it’s not like you can learn that from an encyclopedia volume that starts with the letter V.
Runner up
Whatever plant can chug a gallon on milk in a minute. So yeah, I’m back to pitcher plants.
Disclaimer: if you’re going to try and fit a gallon of milk down a pitcher plant, you’re just as smart as Joey.
So what’s the next sitcom I can turn into a houseplant matching game? I’m thinking Frasier.
Plant sources
Get airplants from What The Gardens (ships from California)
Get Bird of paradise (Strelitzia reginae) from Exotic Flora Plants
Get a jade plant (Crassula ovata) from Dose of Succulents
You can order a Dracaena marginata from The Urban Garden (ships from Florida)
Get beautiful varieties of snake plants from Pots by Sol (ships from Florida)
Buy all sorts of pitcher plants from Hannibal Plants
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